Vintage cycling fashion on a budget




As you've probably noticed, vintage cycling fashion and lugged bikes are all the rage. While creepy bike collectors scour the internet with an intensity and focus that is even rare for online stalkers and Craiglist murderers, the rest of us are often left out of this retro frenzy due to our limited budgets. What are we to do in order to remain relevant in these changing times? What is the answer to this budgetary conundrum? Easy. Simply look into the world of 80s and early 90s cycling apparel. I know what you're thinking, (aside from: "Why am I reading this stupid blog") you're thinking that you'd rather be mauled by a rabid raccoon or sexually assaulted by a drunken monkey than be seen wearing the type of clothing that cyclists rocked during that tumultuous era...but I ask you: Do you want to be a leader or a follower? Why do I ask this? Because if past trends are any indication, the cycling world's ravenous appetite for its own history will quickly devour what's left of the 70s rather quickly. Soon enough, all that will be left to co-opt will be the era of dayglow kits and oversized Oakleys. With this in mind, know that when choosing one of the fantastic jerseys below, you will surely be ahead of the fashion curve. You will be an innovator. Forget the guy in your neighborhood who wears head to toe Rapha for his "epic" commute, or the pseudo bike messenger with the wool Molteni jersey...you, my friend, will be the toast of the town. A retarded town, but a town nonetheless.

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A Tommy Hilfiger cycling jersey? Oh yes indeed! Equally at home on a group ride, a suburban bike trail, or the set of a C+C Music Factory video shoot, this versatile jersey can do it all. Few jerseys can claim to be more disgusting than than Cavendish's yellow teeth and Vandevele's hairy mole. Yet, this jersey delivers on both fronts. As such, this is a rare find for sure.


You have to admire Cavendish for his sprinting abilities, but also for his brand awareness. The guy has managed to get his teeth to be the exact same shade of yellow as the Highroad logo.



Although only barely visible in this vintage picture, Vandevelde's mole (under his right nostril) is very reminiscent of Lemmy's set of facial Cocoa Puffs.

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As a man of slight stature, I can sympathize with those who claim that no one makes clothes who fit them properly. Similarly, can you imagine how frustrating it must to shop for cycling apparel when you are an avid Ace Frehley fan, and have a fetish for dressing up like a mylar balloon?


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This is the ideal jersey for any cycling misanthrope, since wearing it is pretty much like pissing in someone's eyeballs for merely looking your way. Don't worry though, none of your cycling friends will tell you that you look like a retarded rodeo clown for wearing it, and why should they? You see, cyclists have a real problem with honesty...just look at the way that the entire cycling press still pretends that Dave Zabriskie is hilarious.

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The cycling world's answer to the Dodge Caravan and its fake wood paneling, the Carrera kit was probably the reason why Pantani basically killed himself by overdosing in an Italian hotel room. Just look at this jersey (remember the matching shorts, with the printed denim and back pockets?), if you had been forced to wear such a thing during your lifetime...what would you have done? Can you blame the man? Look, hipster Brooklynites started sporting ironic mullets pre 9-11, and some continue to do so. With that in mind, why not buy and wear the full Carrera kit? You'll be some kind of post-ironic genius, one who is so awesome that by simply wearing it, has created a loop of irony and fashion that will surely generate it's own gravitational pull. The downside? The gravitational pull will only draw in ugly Italian girls with bandanas, and sideburns. Look, beggars can't be choosers. Still, the magical reality of wearing such attire can't be denied. I watched an episode of Cosmos once about black holes and their effects on gravity, and wearing this jersey would basically work the same way...except for the part about greasy Italian women with sideburns.

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While some incorrectly believe that over the top, dry-heave inducing cycling jerseys are a relatively new invention by the likes of Primal Wear, one quick look at the goods produced by the likes of Giordana during the 80s will certainly set the record straight. Inspired by the Saved By The Bell title sequence, this jersey will be the envy of all those around you, since you'll look as though Zack Morris threw up on you.