Good lord, did Paul Sherwen eat the "suitcase of courage" that Phil Liggett is always talking about?
"For this picture, could you please tickle your asscrack gently and seductively? Really get in there, let that chamois know who's boss."
"Bob, please don't cry. I mean, I totally get your point...you've trained and raced your ass off for eight years, and yet it has all come to this. Yes, you're probably right...these pictures probably could be, and will be sold as gay porn in Turkmenistan...but I have strict orders from the sponsor. So if you could, please wipe the tears off, fondle your ass cheek with one hand, and your genitalia with the other."
Speaking of sexual deviancy, the 80s were a grand time for cycling...not because of the doping, cooler bikes or lack of helmets...oh no. I miss the 80s because it was a simpler time, a time when cyclists could freely wear their rapist glasses with pride. Back then, sponsors never came down on riders for failing to wear the new Oakley model that was set to "drop" later that year. Back then, riders were free to look like welders while wearing their Blu Blockers.
Question, if you wore rapist glasses, and then got the green jersey, would they make you special color-coded rapist glasses?
For all those who live outside the US, this is Conan O'Brien, a semi-popular and wealthy talk show host whose show is watched by tens of people. Isn't it just typical for an American to be this wasteful? Just look at his bike. While other people around the world can barely afford a bike, this guy's headtube is long enough to make three 52cm compact frames.
No, I didn't photoshop the picture, his eyes really looked like this for a split second. This is just the natural reaction that any guy would have when he finds out he has just impregnated his girlfriend, after telling her millions of times "I told you I don't have to use a condom or anything...I only have one testicle, and it got more radiation that Chernobyl. So, really, we have nothing to worry about."
Here we see Jonathan Vaughters (and his Beverly Hills 90210 sideburns) introducing the newest bit of gear that team Garmin Slipstream will be using next season. Through their partnership with Garmin, the white portion of each rider's shorts will function as gauge (like the gas gauge in your car) to show directors and the UCI how much blood doping the rider has undergone. As you can see in this picture, Millar's tank is only 1/4 full.
I know you've probably seen the picture on the left before...but you were probably wondering why it looked familiar. Well, here's your answer. Who knew Elvis was a camel-toe sporting cycling enthusiast?
If you know about the recent history of professional cycling, you're probably familiar with the Festina Affair, Operacion Puerto, and the Oil For Drugs investigation. There is one scandal, however, that has never been mentioned by the cycling press due to great pressure from sponsors. That will all change today, because I finally have photographic evidence (see the image above), and the truth must be known. Here are the facts:
In 2005, the Lampre team strategically designed their bib shorts in such a way that all the riders in the team would look like they had giant, retro lady bushes. From this day forth, we shall refer to this shameful moment in cycling history as the "Lampre Giant Retro Bush Affair".
I will sometimes criticize clueless hipsters for wearing cycling caps from the 70s and 80s without knowing anything about the sport, and openly disliking and mocking road cyclists. Having said that, when you put these two pictures side by side...you have to admit that look is not too far off from the real thing. Damn. Before you know it, hipsters are going to start buying vintage lugged frames, and converting them into fixies. Wait...what? They started doing that like five years ago? They're almost done doing that already, and have moved on to other bikes? Ah shit, I'm so behind the times. Once you are in your 30s, you can't help but be clueless about urban trends.
1. Check out the second picture, brutal cycling cameltoe
2. Based on this picture, wouldn't you expect Boonen to have an insanely effeminate, stereotypical southern accent? "Poof ya'll! I just made a win appear, and it was really easy-like. Tea and cookies at my house if ya'll wanna' celebrate. Weeee!"
1. Perhaps it's true that Italians have an amazing sense of taste and style. Perhaps it's also true that most Americans are fat loads as a result of eating at the Olive Garden. The picture above shows what it looks like when Americans continue cycling into their old age. This is what it looks like when the Italians do the same thing.
Italy 1, America 0.
What about France you ask? Well...
2. Regardless of how amazing you think you look in a well-picked out kit or riding outfit, just remember that this is exactly what you look like to everyone who is driving around you. Think about that. Are you still surprised that they are trying to run you over? Can you blame them?
3. Doesn't the guy on the right look like a muppet?