James Brown, Flava Flav and Cancellara



A quick fashion tip for Frank Schleck:

If the eyeglasses you want to wear were first popularized by Flava Flav, and later by Slayer's Kerry King...perhaps you should think twice about actually wearing them.

Funny how people who are obsessed with the "euro" cycling aesthetic (whatever the hell that really means) knowingly choose to hide and forget fashion atrocities like the one depicted above. No more. You are all as bad, if not worse, than Holocaust deniers. Look at the picture. It happened, it's true. There's proof of it. Now deal with it.

Speaking of crimes against humanity, did you see the new leader's jersey for the Vuelta?





This is a picture of Cancellara's bike during the first few stages of the Tour in '09. Can you imagine how hard you have to work in order to get the yellow jersey for even one day? Can you imagine how it must feel when your sponsor uses free clip-art from the internet to "decorate" your custom yellow bike? I saw him ride this very bike at the Tour, and I know I heard him murmuring the following to himself, as he looked at his top tube and its fancy clip-art:

"Please Specialized, don't piss in my mouth and call it lemonade"

Aside from using insultingly awful clip-art on his bike, how else could his team "thank" him for all his hard work? I have an idea, what about something really stupid...like...uh...like having him be purposefully attacked by a rabid dog or something?




Oops. Spoke too soon.




Speaking of Saxo Bank and their super-fun training camps....if this picture doesn't say "As soon as my contract is up, I'm so out of this fucking team", I don't know what does.







Question:
When will female cyclists be taken seriously?

Answer:
The day that sponsors quit seeing their athletes as extras from a Toni Basil video. Really...do you think male cyclists would ever be asked to pose in such a ridiculous manner?





Ah damn it. I spoke too soon. Again.

By the way, doesn't the Quick Step picture make them look like a homoerotic Swiss army knife?





As cyclists, when we describe the pain of mountainous stages in grand tours to friends who are not familiar with the sport, the men involved end up looking like heroic victims who perform under the toughest conditions. The reality is much sadder. Even those at the top of the sport basically look like Fire Marshall Bill while prancing at low speeds in little more than a wrestling singlet. The gap between hero and third-rate character in a fourth-rate comedy show is painfully small.




Nope, I'm not going to make fun of this kid. How could I? I mean, do you see how rad he is? While you're indoors getting fat because it's "too cold outside to ride", and you continue to ponder the right color and length of socks that you should wear come spring, this kid is doing hill repeats in three inches of snow. That's right, this mini-Jens Voigt eats fuckers like you for breakfast, and will shit you out before lunch. By the way, I don't say that he "eats fuckers like you for breakfast" as a figure of speech. I'm serious. He eats actual human flesh for breakfast. I've seen him do it.




When you have a team like HTC Columbia, and your star is a sprinter, you employ Erik Zabel as a consultant, to help you figure out how to perfect your sprint.

When you have a team like Quick Step whose star is a coked-up, Lamborghini-driving douche with terribly dated hair... who else would you hire as a consultant other than the Lamborghini-driving, coked-up mess that was James Brown? It was a cycling marriage made in heaven I tell you.





Like Tom Boonen's mullet, Quickstep is business in the front, and party in the back.






On a final note, I wanted to mention that my dear brother, the man who got me into cycling as a kid by first turning on his clock-radio in the summer of 1985 in order to listen to the Tour, has started a Podcast. If you're an avid reader of this fantastic blog, you may know him for having contributed great posts, like this one. As such, I highly encourage you to check out his fine Podcast. I would also like to remind you that the man is a broadcasting legend, having hosted and engineered a death metal radio show for most of the 90's in an undisclosed city in these United States. Go check him out.

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