Somewhere between scrambled porn, and a tenth generation Betamax dub of a Slayer concert







This Saturday, I'll be waking up early-ish for the first time this season in order to watch a terrible feed of a race on a shady website. Like the live broadcasts that I watched last year, the quality will be somewhere between the scrambled porn that mystified teens with basic cable in the early 90s, and the Betamax dubs of Slayer concerts that I bought in Colombian flea markets as a kid. I often watch these races in bed, depending on how early they start. I've watched races with commentary in nearly every language known to man, including one that I believe was Esperanto. In watching these races, I've learned to appreciate the differences in commentary around the world. Sean Kelly's delivery, for example, has the excitement and personality of an iron skillet. Better yet, Pedro Delgado will oftentimes take pauses of nearly a minute. Last year, during a race he half-jokingly mentioned that he wasn't paid by the word, and as such he was going to pause since there was nothing to talk about. Thus commenced a two minute block of dead air. If only I understood Esperanto, I'm sure I would have similar stories to relay to you about their commentators. Perhaps the low-point of my internet race-watching odysseys during last season came during Milan-San Remo. With the finish line in sight and only about 100 meters to go on the race, the feed suddenly died. To say I was upset by the sudden end of the video feed would be a drastic understatement. By the way, if any of you wish to make a salacious connection between my Milan-San Remo feed being cut short prior to the finish, and my earlier comparison of such feeds to scrambled pornography, be my guest. I, however, refuse to plunge into such depths.


Quick side note:
Notice that I said that the feed of the race got cut off suddenly when there was only "100 meters" to go. I can use metric units, since I was raised in a country which uses the metric system. But do you know how silly it sounds when an amateur American cyclist states the weather forecast in Celsius, or says how many kilometers he rode that weekend? Believe me, it makes the rest of us cringe because you sound like such a douche. It's worse than when Britney Spears used that horrible fake British accent for like two weeks a few years ago. You're not racing stages in France which are measured in Kilometers. Just tell us how many laps you raced around the suburban office complex, that's a standard unit we can all understand.

So, how many of you will be waking up to watch the race this Saturday? Am I the only one? Perhaps I am.


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Credit where credit is due:
Watching bad race feeds online was first compared to scrambled porn in the Competitive Cyclist What's New blog.