Pirates, transformers and moose knuckle. A photograhic account of the Tour Of California.

As the 49th most influential cycling blog in the internet, our offices are constantly flooded with portfolios from some of the world's leading sports photographers, who are all begging to work with us. After reviewing a significant number of résumés and portfolios, we have finally chosen a new staff photographer, Eleuterio Fonda. Today we're happy to bring you the results of his first shooting assignment for the blog, the Tour Of California. We hope you enjoy his work.

Ahhh, I get it. The look you were going for was "indignant and colorblind construction cone with a brutal case of moose knuckle" right? Well, mission accomplished.

Much like the mullet that I sported for many years during my youth, this outfit is all about contradictions and absurdity. Much like the pictures of me with my mullet, this image has made me dry heave every time I've looked at it.

Imagine buying a novelty gold medal on eBay, and then wearing it around your neck when you go for a run in you neighborhood. Pretty stupid right? Now imagine taking that same novelty medal, and wearing it to the finish line of a fairly prestigious marathon or track event, one where people who have won actual gold medals at the Olympics would be running. Wouldn't doing something like that bring your level of douchebaggery to unprecedented levels? I think it would.

God damn, Pantani's really let himself go.

As further proof of this blog's influence, I hereby present you with the image you see above. You may remember that last year, when I went to the Tour de France, I spotted Tom Boonen's atrocious Transformers socks (below). Not one to be left behind, this SpiderTech rider has upped the proverbial ante by getting an exact replica of one of Boonen's many euro trash haircuts, and then tattooing the Transformers logo on his leg. Your move Boonen.

This guy's not trying to be funny, he's seriously riding for Satan. How else could you explain the rapist-grade mustache?

You may think that you look super awesome when you're riding your bike, and that everyone sees you in black and white, as though you were in a Rapha photo shoot. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. To the rest of the world, we all look exactly like this guy. We're no better or worse. Can you blame them for trying to hit us with their cars? I can't.