Bike Snob book winners, Van Halen, and a Colombian cyclist sets a world record


I admit, I had a tough time deciding the winner of the first ever Cycling Inquisition caption contest. As such, this morning, the entire Cycling Inquisition staff gathered in Conference Room B of our regional headquarters in order to let the entire team weigh in. The deliberation was lengthy, and the discussion got heated, but in the end only two contestants could win the autographed copies of the Bike Snob book. Although I originally planned on having my wife and my dog help me pick a winner, when it came time to vote they both showed no interest in the matter. My wife ignored my pleas for help (she had a ridiculous excuse, like having go to work or something ), while our miniature dachshund got under the covers and went to sleep. As such, I was left with no choice but to have the entire CI staff vote. I presented the images, and read each of the captions out loud.

Here I am presenting to the staff an hour ago. Note my suit, which I was wearing for the benefit of the investors I'll be meeting with later today. If anyone, and I mean ANYONE comments on how hefty I look in my blue suit, I will find you and beat you with an extension cord. Look, I've opted to work on sprinting (as opposed to climbing) this season, hence the extra pounds of powerful muscle that are strictly found around my midsection right now. Deal with it.

So without any further ado (not to be confused with "Adu", the once promising soccer player who was going to take over the world, but ended up playing in Greece instead), I will now announce the winners. They are:

Goddammit, Riis, quit putting chamois creme on my bottles... dude, it better be chamois creme.

By commenter db

When they said I could get on an elite hooker this not what I was thinking

Posted as Anonymous, but written by one Mr Hess

Honorable mention:
Cocaine and pepper shakers.

By blogging mastermind Stevil

If you disagree with the staff's picks, take it up with them. We'll have a staff meeting in the same conference room on Monday at 9:30am, so feel free to drop in. If you feel you were robbed, remember that the prize was just a go buy a copy and support the guy. There were numerous great ones...but only two could win. I encourage all of you to go check out the other entries which can be found here. Let the record show that Mr Stevil will not be receiving a free book...and that's because he's a professional who entered an amateur race. As I'm sure you all know, similar behavior was not tolerated at the Leadville 100, and it will not be tolerated here. So, if the winners could kindly write me, and give me their mailing addresses, I shall pass on said information to the fine folks at Chronicle Books. Oh, since there's a picture of Jens Voigt up there, I should mention that Wade from Cycling Tips was kind enough to send me one of his "Shut Up Legs" t shirts in the mail, for which I'm very thankful.

No, that's not a picture of me. My arms are way dreamier.

But let's get back to the Bike Snob book giveaway. As requested by many who wrote in, I did ask that Chronicle give away the newly published Van Halen Visual History as the prize for this contest, rather than Bike Snob's book. Sadly, they refused. Apparently their decision had something to do with Michael Anthony being too busy with his hot sauce empire to sign a copy of the book. Sorry, I tried.

Moving on, I'd like to say that I'm happy for Marcus Burghardt, who won yesterday's stage in the Tour Of Switzerland. I would also like to say, however, that the Jewish blood that pumps through my veins dictates that I get scared anytime German individuals stretch out their arms to make any salute-type gesture. I'm not exaggerating either, the last time I was in Berlin, seeing Germans hail cabs nearly gave me an ulcer. Thus, when I see any German citizen raise and stretch out their right arm, I'm always wary of the fact that the left one may not be going up at all. This brings me back to my beloved miniature dachshund...who has the habit of falling asleep facing up, and always stretches out her right paw in a clear Nazi salute, while her left paw remains safely tucked by her chest. You may think this is paranoia on my part, but what am I to do when even my German dog is terrorizing me while she sleeps?

Before anyone gets their Aryan panties in a bunch, I should tell you that I have dual citizenship, Colombian and I don't think that every German is a neo-Nazi....just most of them.
By the way, I know what most of you are thinking "this dude was born and raised in Colombia, but is also a German citizen AND a little bit Jewey? Did he hit the jackpot in the genetic lottery or what?" To answer your question, yes...yes I did. And it's awesome.

An amazing week for Colombian cycling
Lastly, let me point out that (as the line of text above this one states) it's been an amazing week for Colombian cycling. Why? How dare you ask, you idiot! Didn't you hear? I beat my personal best time for riding to work yesterday. The effort it took was sizable, and I suspect I will be paying for it in the coming days. Still, I'd like to thank everyone who made it possible...most notably the six lights that are usually red, but were green for once. I'd also like to thank my fan, the elderly man who waits for the bus and cheers me on as I ride by. This is for him. The lengthy climb was particularly rough yesterday, but the puddle of dog urine (let's pretend it was dog urine) didn't slow me down at all. I had the legs, and my form peaked at the right time. In the last block that I had to ride before getting to work, I unleashed a volcanic torrent of power that actually scared me as I sprinted to the (imaginary) line. It scared me in the same way that my friend's dog is scared of its own farts, and perhaps perplexed by their sheer intensity. I didn't know I had that power in me, and the gushing outpouring of wattage I produced even made BP executives jealous. As such, I look forward to defending the title against myself in the coming weeks.

As amazing as my accomplishment was, it was not the only one by a Colombian riding a bike this week.

Photo: Riccardo Scanferla via

1. Rigoberto Uran is fourth in the GC at the Tour of Switzerland, 10 seconds down. [Update: He's now second at 29 to Gesink]

2. Mauricio Soler will be at the Tour despite his his crash at the Dauphine. I love Mauricio, but perhaps the fame he has for being a squirrely rider is well deserved. The guy's ability to crash is only rivaled by Menchov's inability to keep his bike with the rubber-side facing down.

3. Fabio Duarte, last year's U23 road World Chamipion won the GC in the Circuito Montañez in Spain. Duarte is an unbelievable talent, and hopefully he'll stay with the Cafe De Colombia team, rather than simply going on to be a domestique at a European team. Victor Hugo Peña has joined Duarte in the new Cafe De Colombia team, perhaps to take on a mentoring role as he probably get ready to retire.

4. Cayetano Sarmiento won the Baby Giro/Bio Giro. Earlier in the race, two stages had Colombian riders take first and second place. The picture above is from stage 4, and features Carlos Betancur (first) and Edward Beltran (second)

So there you have it. I'm scared of my dog, I hold a new record, and dog/human urine can't stop me. Have a good weekend, ride safely, and don't try to beat my record time for getting to work. It simply can't be done.