Cycling Armageddon. It was the best of times, it was the end of times, and not just because of the squirrel that Museeuw keeps atop his head.

Much like the lead character in the movie Clerks, who endlessly keeps reminding us throughout the movie that he "wasn't even supposed to be working today", I too will be reminding you throughout this post that I wasn't even supposed to be posting today. As some of you may remember, I stated last Thursday that I would be taking a few days off from my very important blogging duties in order to attend a wedding. The reaction to my announcement regarding taking time off was both swift and spirited, and came in the shape of two emails in my inbox. Granted, the two emails were from online bike retailers assuring me that the sales they would be having this Memorial Day weekend would be unmatched until next weekend, but even when you're in a position of power as I am, you have little control over who your fans are and what they write you about. Still, I took these two emails to mean that my readership was waiting for me to speak up once again, and who am I to deny the world of the greatness that I'm capable of? Luckily, lots has been going on in cycling in the last few days, so there's plenty to talk about. First and foremost, there's the news story that everyone is talking about. It's a sad story that may reveal some hidden truths about the sport. It's a story that has shown possible flaws in the armor of one of our most beloved cycling heroes. I'm speaking, of course, about my brother (who often comments on this blog as "Skullkrusher") and the fact that he crashed while riding with me this weekend. Long regarded to be one of the leading figures of the sport, and known to have impeccable bike-handling skills, my brother crashed on Saturday at a speed that was nearly approaching double digits (in miles). Though this may seem like a small matter, it actually isn't. If I can put my amazing sense of humor aside for a second (hard as that may be) I have to tell you that seeing your brother smash his face like Jens Voigt, and break his jaw is a horrible experience (I'm sure it wasn't much fun for him either). The whole thing keeps replaying in my head endlessly, much in the same way that actual crashes (not just memories of them) keep replaying for Dennis Menchov throughout his career. I'm sure my brother is not exactly having a great time remember the incident either. Needless to say, the whole thing was horrible, and it's something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Well, I take that back, Mr. Delpino, my 8th grade art teacher sucked balls and I do kinda' wish this on him...but Mr. Delpino aside, I'd like to spare everyone else. So, even though I'm not even supposed to be posting today, please join me in wishing my lovely brother a speedy recovery. He'll be undergoing surgery this week, so keep him in your thoughts...but not in your prayers. He's a devoted Slayer fan, and would probably take offense at such a gesture.


The other big story in cycling
My brother's crash aside, I would also like to talk about a huge story in cycling that seems to be on everyone's mind as of late. It's a sickening tale of deception, duplicity and consequent cover-ups, but I'm not talking about the dead squirrel that Johan Museeuw has been trying to pass off as a toupée for so many years.


In most cities throughout the United States, you need a license in order to keep a rodent like that in your home. Luckily Museeuw lives in Belgium, a lawless nation where anything goes...even disgusting criminal acts, like putting mayo on fries.



I'm also not talking about the tape that recently surfaced in which Pantani sings the theme song for the Giro while wearing an outfit that was clearly borrowed from the set of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.






What I'm talking about is a bigger story, one which Cycling Inquisition staffers updated me about over the weekend. In case you're wondering why I have to receive updates from my employees, it's because I'm not a native speaker of the English language and thus have the reading comprehension of nutria. As such, my staff give me notes which I review diligently in order to comprehend current events within the sport. It's within those notes that I found out about the end of cycling, the oncoming Cycling Armageddon. This Cycling Armageddon I speak of is not to be confused with the "Cycling Inquisition", which is a quality cycling blog that provides up-to-date cycling content through its use of insightful and comedic prose. You see, the Armageddon that I'm talking about signifies the end of cycling, bikes and bike riding as we know it. My staff tells me that according to the cycling press, forums and blogs, all cycling sponsorships, races, promoters and bike production in general will come to an end due to doping allegations that were recently made by John Landis, the director of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video. Now, I'm not completely sure I understand how John Landis would be privy to such delicate information about cycling, but who am I to question his revelations about the sport? I mean, we're talking about a man who came from humble beginnings, and rose to fame by managing to make actual corpses come back to life and dance in a music video. And they danced much, much better than Pantani did when he was alive in the video I posted above, I might add. So who am I to question him when he says the sport of cycling has a significant amount of doping? Could he be right about all this? Perhaps.






Not to be outdone by the Federal government, I decided to launch my own investigation into this matter. I searched through old betamax tapes of grand tour stages in the Cycling Inquisition archives looking for clues. I also looked through our extensive photo files, and quickly found proof that something had always been afoul within professional cycling. It had always been there, starring us right in the face. How did we miss it? Looking back at old pictures of professionals, my trained eyes were quickly able to discern which riders in the peloton were clearly out of place, and could only be racing at that level due to illegal substances. How else could you explain a picture like the one below?



In order to avoid possible litigation, I won't mention which of the riders in this picture I suspect of not being to being able to perform at an elite level without the help of medical shenanigans. I'll give you a clue though, he's wearing his Nana's windbreaker and urine-stained khakis.



John Landis' accusations aside, the cycling media's reports quickly confirmed my worst fears. As a result of Landis' allegations, professional cycling, TV deals, sponsorships and the sport itself would have to end. Once the news sank in, I began to contact riders and staff to ask them what their plans for the future would be. After all, there would be no more cycling, and there are already numerous reports about bikes all over the world vanishing into thin air, just like the people in the picture that Marty McFly kept in his wallet. It's with this in mind that I bring you information about the precautions being taken, and plans being made for the future by some of the world's top riders and teams. I hope you guys appreciate this, because I wasn't even supposed to be posting today.




As a result of what the Cycling Armageddon could mean for team finances, Quickstep has already chosen to cut its budget in half. Because of this, food for riders is in short supply. Apparently, so are dignity and heterosexuality.




In response to the end of cycling, and the oncoming doom of the cycling industry, Colnago has allegedly* decided to have its frames made at the same factory and by the same employees as Specialized. Oh wait, that's been happening for ages and is in no way a response to the end of cycling, so scratch that.


* Thanks to our legal council for advising us to include this short but important word.






A prime example of the Norwegian "can do" attitude, Thor Hushovd has already married Jaba The Hutt for his wealth. This has helped him secure his financial well-being during the end of cycling. As a result of his marriage, he will never have to ride again. The good part? Endless funds and a life steeped in luxury. The downside? The gold bikini can get extremely itchy.





When (not "if") cycling comes to an end, what will French cyclists do? There will be no breakaways to get into for no reason at all, there will be no major French races to keep losing in a pathetic fashion. Their plan? There's no plan. They'll keep doing exactly what they've been doing for the last two decades. Nothing.





What will Italian cyclists do when they are unable to ride professionally? They haven't figured it out yet, but it will surely have something to do with cuddling together and talking about their feelings with one another. This display of emotions among Italian men will lead their mothers to question their son's sexualities, thus leading them to question their own child-rearing abilities, thus leading said mothers to end their lives by putting their heads inside their ovens in a ritualistic homage to Sylvia Plath.



Unfazed by the end of the sport, Cancellara will go back to his first love, fashion designer for gay Mariachi bands. It's an admittedly small, but profitable market. We wish him the best of luck.





Having devoted his entire life to cycling, Jens Voigt is understandably in a panic over the possible end of the sport. He's reportedly pushing for his agent to get him the starring role in the remake of the new Karate Kid remake. Due to his age, however, it seems unlikely







Unlike most cyclists, whose one-dimensional skill set will make it hard for them to find jobs outside of the sport, Bernard Hinault has already found work giving tourists a warm French reception by joining the French Welcoming Committee at Charles de Gaulle airport.