Michelle Tanner, cankles and dog genitalia. A Tour Of California wrap-up.

As the sport of cycling comes to an end, the stock market jumps around like the hematocrit levels of an Italian cyclist, and crude oil continues to flow into the Gulf of Mexico, we must all look inward in order to find peace. For some, this means going on a long ride with friends. For some, it means watching Pantani sing while he wears red jeans and a stylish silk blouse. For me, it means studying a new batch of images from the Tour Of California that were submitted by our beloved staff photographer Eleuterio Honda, and explaining the meaning of those images to my tens of readers. Yes, I know I expressed slight remorse for having done this very thing once before...but that was over a week ago. It was before the Landis allegations surfaced, allegations that changed the entire world of cycling as we know it. We should remember that we live in a post-Landis era now, and much in the same way that physicists could never look at matter in the same way after the establishment of Quantum Mechanics, we too must reevaluate our approach to the world we live in. It's for this reason that I've decided to once again grace all of you with my profound insight via this post. Lastly, let me remind all of you that if you oppose the values and jocularity in this post, you are wrong...much in the same way that Einstein, who opposed Quantum Mechanics, was wrong. Also, Einstein married his cousin, so keep that in mind. Whose side do you want to be on? The side that embodies all that is right with the world, or the side of guys who marry their cousins. The choice is yours.

Christian theology would have you believe that humans have "original sin" due to Adam and Eve's fall at the Garden Of Eden. Not true. God punished everyone due to the fact that Eve decided to wear Ugg boots in 2010. Say what you will about God, but the guy's got a point.

Dude, we totally understand how you feel. Like you, we also just got a look at your outfit and are now severely depressed as a result.

Truth hurts. So does looking at the angle of his saddle.

A long time ago, I played drums in a band, and we went on a tour in the East Coast of the United States. During that tour we stayed at the house of a guy who played in a band called Avail. He was really nice to us, and everything was going really well during our stay in his place, until we all noticed that his male dog was parading around the house with a bright red case of canine lipstick. It was gross, and the guy who was hosting us went on to tell us that he had given...uh...how can I say this.... hand release to his dog a few times in the last couple of of years. Upon hearing that disgusting story, I dry heaved for the entire night, and eventually fell asleep in the fetal position while being careful not to touch anything that was outside my sleeping bag. Hmm, I'm not really sure why I just shared that story with you. Oh wait, yes...I remember now...because the guy in the picture looks just like a giant dog penis.

"Blue leg warmers? Check. Puke-colored jacket made out of kielbasa? Check. American flag jersey? Check. Awesome flame arm warmers? Check.

Okay honey, I'm ready to go make an ass out of myself in public. I'll be back in three hours."

Cameras are amazing devices for multiple reasons. One of them is the fact that they are able to capture the exact moment that a girl officially hits rock bottom, and realizes what a bunch of flabby douchebags her friends are.

She uses cotton candy as chamois cream. Totally gross, but somehow oddly attractive at the same time right?

In case you were wondering, this is why the terrorists hate Americans. And this is why September 11th happened. No, I'm not referring to the annoying sense of American self-entitlement. I'm not referring to the American flag hat, the American flag denim vest, the American flag socks or the bermuda shorts. I'm also not talking about the faux gold chain or his sunglasses. The thing that finally pushed Osama over the edge were his red Sidis. Look at those things. Can you really blame him?

Cankles go home.

Is he taking a picture? No. He's using the lens in his camera to look as far away from his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bike as possible. I don't blame him. The first time I saw a corpse when I was a kid in Colombia, I looked away in disgust too.

If you had guys yelling "Sign my cow skull! Sign my cow skull!" outside of your bus for six straight hours every day, you'd get all loopy and end up banging Michelle Tanner too.