Guest Post: Super cars, Monster Trucks and Italian's flamboyant tackyness

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Although my ability to write massive amounts of high-quality, thought-provoking prose are well documented, my ability to take very long, high-quality naps is seldom talked about (aside from this post, where I actually discussed it at great length). It's because of my napping needs that I decided to take the day off from posting today, but worry not, because I enlisted my brother to take over for me while I nap. In my defense (and in order for you to not think that all Colombians are lazy), I should tell you that during my time off today, I will also be attending numerous business meetings regarding the possible merger between this and another blog, a decision that was inspired by the recent Garmin/Cervelo merger. In case you're wondering, the blog I'm considering joining forces with is none other than Cement Industry, one of my absolute favorite blogs about the cement industry in India. I believe this strategic business alliance will make the blog's profits skyrocket, thus making shareholders happy, and will perhaps bring some free cement samples my way...since the bike industry has clearly failed in the "sending me free stuff" department. Anyway, unlike the Garmin/Cervelo merger, I think there will be no downside to our strategic synergy with another blog, and the results will be slightly less annoying than the changes to Google and in the last few days. Unlike Garmin/Cervelo, for example, I won't have to deal with pesky details like having to tell Steven Cozza that he'll have to be downgraded to working as Thor Hushovd's masseuse due to the team having a limited number of spots open. In any case, while I'm away at these high level business meetings, please enjoy my brother's post. Additionally, I'd like to say that I'm always open to posting submissions by readers, provided that they don't completely suck (as some of my posts often do).

–Lucho








I'm the SkullKrusher, Lucho's brother and I'm here to drop some knowledge. Street knowledge...

The beautiful city of Modena in Italy has given humanity a great deal of awesome gifts. First, we should all bow to this city for giving us Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, and De Tomaso. There's nothing greater than really fragile, gas-guzzling, overpriced Italian super cars. Especially those that come in colors like "Lemoncello Yellow". The craftsmen who work in the factories that produce these works of modern art take great pride in their work. These machines are hand-built, after all. Sadly, we all know what happens next: All this Italian craftsmanship goes down the toilet when the tasteless nouveau riche all over the world buy and "customize" these cars. It's like putting a cowboy hat on Michelangelo's Pieta or putting a NASCAR sticker on a Stradivarius.



Speaking of the Pieta, some assclown thought it's be a good idea to paint it on the hood of a Murcialago. Add some Chef Boyardee ravioli and it's the perfect trifecta of Italian-American tackyness.



The Pinarello is humping this Lamborhini. Can you blame the Pinarello? This car is hot. This is the kind of Italian inbreeding that brought the world the Pinarello Dogma. By the way, this guy gets extra points for matching his bike frame to his car's brake calipers.



I wonder how many designers in the Lamborghini factory died of a heart attack when they saw this.




George Bush Sr. declined the Italians' offer to help out in Dessert Storm in the early '90s. Well, when you look at what their infantry drove, I can agree with the old man. "Grazie, signori, but we'll take our chances without your help."




The Ferrari 512s. Yeah, it's not a joke. I mean, its really fucking funny, but it's not a joke.




This was taken in a car show in Tokyo. Some Japanese Otaku have way too much money.




Like most brands nowadays, these legendary Italian companies license out their names and logos to other companies and that's why we can buy Corona beer beach towels, AC/DC barware and Manchester United underpants. At least I do.

Back to the Italian supercar brands, however, it's unbelievable to me that these companies work so hard to build a reputation of quality and elegance though years and and then some idiotic marketing exec goes and ruins it all by licensing the name out to a company to produce shitty products with their logo all over it. Enter Maserati and Lamborghini bikes.



Maserati seem to care about their brand. Maserati bikes are actually high-end, go for about $4000 and up, and are made by Milani. Similarly, Ferrari seems to care about their brand equity, since they partnered with Colnago to have their frames made in really great factories in Taiwan.


On the other hand, Lamborghini offers bikes for around $200 (Price does not include the spoke reflectors, which are only offered in the deluxe models.) Not only do they make current Mercier bikes look like Pinarellos, but they are also conveniently available at a Sports Authority near you. Right next to the baseball socks and $15 tennis rackets.




"Hello? Yeah, baby, I'll swing by to pick you up for the party around 8. I'll be in my white Lambo, so make sure you bring your helmet."





Italian car companies aren't the only ones who have fallen into the horrible and very scary chasm called "Licensing your brand name to a company in order for them to make shitty bikes in shitty factories in Taiwan." It's a very well known chasm, in the chasm world, that is. You've probably have never heard of it, unless, that is, you move in the chasm world or subscribe, (as I do) to Chasm World Magazine. (I'm fully aware that that was a run-on sentence.) American car giants General Motors has been producing useless cars way before the Italians did, but decided to follow the lead of their European "competitors" and are now allowing some jack-holes in Asia to produce GMC branded bicycles.


Before I show you the amazing GMC-Denali bikes, let me highlight this baby... General Motors (parent company of GMC, of course), used 65% of the $49.5 billion of tax-payer's money Uncle Sam gave them to develop what they call "The vehicle every American will want to drive." They are probably right, I know I wanna drive it, but I'm not sure anyone wants to own it. Unless you're a Cincinnati Bengals fan and a HUGE redneck, but how many of those are there? Wait... maybe GMC has something here! Anyway, the good news is that this monstrosity, at a whopping 2mpg, has better fuel efficiency than 90% of the other GMC roster of vehicles.




As a tax-payer in this country, I'm very proud to say that I co-own the company whose logo is displayed on the down tube of this beauty. This baby will set you back a cool $160 in Walmart. No, you're NOT dreaming, that is indeed a kick-stand! And it comes standard on all models. The wheels almost look like Zipps and "The 16 speed drivetrain is equipped with integrated Brake/Shift levers so that you can brake and shift without moving your hands from the handlebar." Hell no! Really? Yes. Really.



Not to be left behind, Volkswagen (the German company with the shadiest past in the world), launched the now extinct Bonanza bicycle in 2009. In retrospect, I'm sure they are sehr happy that they didn't brand it with their logo, so now they can deny it ever happened. (Insert witty comment about Germans denying things that they obviously are too embarrassed to "remember")


Unlike Lamborghini and GMC, tho, VW actually makes their bikes themselves. Kudos to you, VW! Now we know there's another crappy bike maker in Germany, aside from Focus. Ouch! Too soon?



If you have 700euros burning a hole in your pocket (and who doesn't?), you can go for a "real" VW mountain bike.

I know there's about 30 more car brands that have produced (or licensed their name to produce) bikes and this post could go on forever, but I'm tired, so I'll leave you with a few more images...




This is a Porsche toy bike I got from some random Russian website






This is a real, full-size Porsche bike that some random Russian mafioso will buy.



From Cadillac, the company that brought you the Escalade, comes this amazing wonderbike, sold exclusively at Cadillac Luxury Bicycles in Parispanny, New Jersey, which makes sense. Why? Because when I think about luxury, class and high taste, I always think about New Jersey.




Like many other atrocities performed by Germans, I'd rather not comment on this one.