Indurain's unibrow, Cannondale's troubles, and Manuel Noriega's face. The questions people ask me.

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Since I'm one of the leading Colombian-born cycling bloggers who have adult braces, are right-handed, and prefer their pizza without cheese, I receive a substantial amount of email on a daily basis. The messages I receive span a wide spectrum, but mostly focus on selling me male enhancement supplements. Those messages aside, I have noticed that many of the emails I receive feature the same comments and questions over and over again. In today's post, I thought I should take some time to answer the questions I'm asked most often by my beloved readers (thanks to all nine of you). I do this in hopes that the sheer number of emails I get asking the same questions will finally stop. Or at least lessen to a manageable number.




No, this is not a picture of a Monchichi doll wearing a cycling jersey. It's Colombian Jose Serpa, a rider who, according to readers of the blog, I should have interviewed long ago.



Question:
Why haven't you interviewed (insert name of professional cyclist here)?



My answer:
Do you ask a homeless man why he's not relaxing in his mansion? Do you ask a starving child why he's not eating pizza smothered in ranch dressing? Do you ask Sammy Hagar if he can drive at a mere 55 miles per hour? No, you don't...because those would be horrible and idiotic questions to ask. Similarly, I hereby ask that none of you ever, ever ask me this question again. Why? Because the truth hurts, and the truth is that I'm a nobody, and I can't get that type of interview. Despite my my past run-ins with cycling celebrities, I'm here to tell you that the numerous emails I've sent to teams, managers, and riders themselves all go unanswered. I guess a blog with "inquisition" on its title, and a Blogger URL just don't seem as legitimate as they used to. This, however, has not stopped my from trying to get such interviews for you...my beloved readers. As a matter of fact, I can tell you that there are three people in particular (both current and retired riders) who I've been pursuing for over a year now. So not only am I a nobody, I'm actually kind of pathetic and desperate, while also being a nobody. Talk about multi-tasking.

Luckily, years of rejection by women (starting from an early age) have prepared me for being pathetic and desperate around those I want to talk to. As such, please don't point out that blogs like Cycling Tips are able to get Mark Renshaw to give them full interviews. This is like pointing out to someone with no legs that you know someone who can dance the Macarena. It's rude and a little unfair, so please don't rub it in. Yes, some blogs manage to get those interviews. I don't know how they do it, so quit bringing it up. Oh, and regarding the Macarena, that song is like fifteen years old, so go tell that person to get with the times. Everyone knows that the newest dance craze is modeled after Weekend At Bernie's.

So please, stop asking why I don't get interviews with this or that rider. By bringing up my failures, you're just reminding me of painful childhood memories surrounding rejection and disappointment. Your, email will cause me to have vivid flashbacks of my youth. More than likely, your question will trigger a flashback of that one time shortly after I moved to the United States, when I was listening to Reign In Blood on my Walkman, and a cheerleader girl sat next to me on the school bus, in order to distract me while her boyfriend punched on the back of the head so hard that I screamed out like Slayer's Tom Araya. So please be considerate when writing your next email to me. Many thanks.






Question:
Why did Cannondale recently close production at, and subsequently auction off the equipment from its Bedford, Pennsylvania factory?

Answer:
I've received upwards of two emails asking this question in the last three weeks. I guess people consider me an expert in the world of cycling, but also know that I'm a respected financial analyst as well. As such, here's my answer:

Cannondale didn't close it's large production facility, and nearly go out business because of their foray into making motorcycles, or the fact that they were bought out. The sole reason responsible for the company's bad fortune, and the reason they'll be laying off hundreds of employees is very simple. It's because they made this jersey.











Question:
Why does the surface of ex-Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega's face look like a rear facing drop-out that got a severe drillium treatment?

Answer:
I don't know.






Question:
Why do you always write disgusting scatological references in your posts? I was very offended by (insert poop joke that was hilarious in one of my posts here).


Answer:
My readers are very sensitive beings, because any reference of bodily functions that I make triggers a deluge (okay, maybe not a deluge, but at least a sizable stream) of complaints via email. I learned this as soon as I penned the great post titled "Like Walking Into a Bike Shop After Crapping Your Pants", in which (among other things) I spoke in great detail about the time that my brother pooped his pants, and then pretended to be walking like a robot because of the sizable load that was in his pants. To be honest, I don't think I make all that many scatological references on this blog. At least not as many as I make in real life. So by that standard, this blog is rather demure.

Still, I think I will one day find the opportunity to share the great story of how my brother and I used to have contests to see who could knock over Star Wars figures with our farts. By the way, here's a tip for any if you that want to have such a contest. Always pick Darth Vader as the figure you'll attempt to knock over. Why? Because his cape provides an astonishing amount of wind resistance. It's the truth, and you don't even need an engineer from Zipp to tell you that.





Question:
Did you know that you incorrectly stated that (insert factual error, or perhaps grammatical mistake I made here).



Answer:
Yes, I make mistakes. Many of them. This, my friends, is level of writing and grammatical accuracy that you get from an amateur blogger who has no fact-checking department, lacks the drive to look things up on Wikipedia, and who is writing a blog in his third language. If you want factual information, and quality reporting, go to the leading blog about the cement industry in India instead.






Question:
How did Miguel Indurain deal with his Mupplet-like unibrow?

Answer:
As seen in the picture above (which I've censored for your safety), his unibrow was removed via lasers that protruded* from a naked lady that liked to ride a cricket-shaped, Banesto-colored Pinarello.



*If you believe that my use of the word "protruded" is incorrect, please see the answer to the question above.